Also me: panics if someone is not telling me what to do in very specific detail because if no one is telling me what to do I’m not being productive enough
I never thought that at the age of 20 I would still be self harming. I thought I would have it figured out by now. I thought that life would be going well for me after I left my parents house. It has not turned out that way at all. In the last year I have thought about killing myself more than I would like. I think about it often. When I’m in the car especially. I always think “I could just do it right now” or “I’m going so fast right now I wouldn’t even feel it” or “maybe I could just swerve into that”. It’s terrifying living with a brain that wants me dead.
I self harmed last week. And the week before that. And the month before that. Every time I do it I cut on my right thigh. I have been self harming for about 5 years now. Sometimes I don’t know what my feelings are. When I’m depressed I can’t feel feelings really. Cutting helps me distract myself in a way. It takes my mind off feelings. I never do it because that’s how I want to die. I think I do it more so out of frustration and confusion and anger due to not knowing how to put my feelings into words.
I quit my job at BBY in October. I left texas and live with my mom for a month in Virginia. I sought treatment. I didn’t want to feel like dying. The doctor only wrote me a prescription for 3 months. The 3 months were over in March. I haven’t had meds in 4 months almost. I don’t like taking meds anyway though. I don’t want to be dependent on them.
I feel like my relationship is abusive. This is something I would never tell anyone but since I have basically no one on tumblr i needed to vent about it. She manipulates me. She makes me feel like shit sometimes and then sometimes I’m on top of the world with her. I’ve been with her for a fifth of my life now. I don’t want to be without her but at the same time I think the spark is long gone. I always try to fix our relationship and get it to where it used to be but I think we are long past it and that hurts me so much. I wanted a whole life with this girl. I can’t remember the last time I was called beautiful. I don’t feel beautiful. She makes me feel ugly and stupid and insecure or is it myself that makes me feel that way? I think I possibly don’t know my self worth because i always feel worthless.
I don’t know where this was going but i needed to vent to sleep.
